The radius of ugly

My friends and I have a bit of a tradition when it comes to birthdays. We give cards which have no relation to the actual event being celebrated. This all started last year with my Bridal Shower card. Over time we have progressively refined the process.

We are pro.

For a recent birthday, we made a card.

A good card.

The sort of card you make when you are in first grade, only supersized, and awesomized. And big.

Feast your eyes on this!

This is the most creative, artistic thing I have ever been involved with. Just imagine how good my work is!

I don’t get sick, as in vomit sick particularly often. So when it does happen, it is going to be a doozy. This is the position I found myself in on a very sleepless Wednesday night. With minimal sleep, and feeling pretty iffy, I called in sick. I went to the doctor.

The doctor has a sign in his door for people with pig flu like symptoms. You need to call a number, have a chat, then go from there.

Me: “Yeah hi, I have 2 of your three pig flu symptoms”
Nurse: “Have you been in contact with anyone who has travelled to the US, Mexico, Victoria or any other affected area?”
Me: “Not that I know of. But I work in the CBD and take the train to work, it could have happened”
Nurse: “You probably don’t have swine flu, would you like a mask fitted anyway?”

Wait a sec. I probably don’t have swine flu (yay), so what could would a mask do in a reltively fearful society…

Me: “Yes, I’ll have a mask please”

I got my mask and went in to sit down. The look of fear on everyone’s face and massive exclusion zone made it all worthwhile.

Best illness ever. Now I find myself with a sore throat, what bullshit.

I can’t say I have ever been accosted. Or really used that word. But this all changes after I was walking the dog.

This douchebag blinds me with his high beams and pulls over rather hurredly. I keep walking the dog, since that’s what I do.

Fuck head (FH): “HEY YOU! STOP!”
Me: “Yeah?”
FH: “You have some nerve coming back here”
Me: “If you want to make sense, I’m not going to stop you”
FH: “Don’t play dumb with me”
Me: “I can’t compete with you on that front. It’s been nice chatting, I’m going now”
FH: “Friday. Night. Last week”
Me: “Yep, definitely can’t compete with you”
FH: “Look you wanker, I saw you at my house”
Me: “I find that very hard to believe”
FH: “Fucking idiot”
Me: “Coming from you, that’s rich. I’m going now”

I start to walk off. Now the good thing about having a dog is that they are the free speech enablers. A lot of people are wary of dogs, and even though Dexter is a bit of an idiot, he plays the part well and I can get away with saying a lot more than I would otherwise.

FH comes closer and takes Dexter by surprise (which really isn’t hard), Dexter’s hackles go up. FH backs off slightly.

FH: “I’ve been living here for 10 years, I know the people pretty well. A lot would vouch for me”
Me: “Oh. Well I guess the 21 years I’ve been living here is no match for that. Or the dozen colleagues who saw me at a work function. Or the bus pass that tracks the time I got on and off the bus. And the 2 parents who will vouch for me. So yeah. You can go fuck off now, interloper”

The guy stood there fuming. I love this place.

I’d buy a valley, nice big one. Set up a train track that ran between the two peaks.

2×1 million tonne trains.

Let gravity to the rest.

Tickets to spectate: $1. You in?

We got an email at work which described a relatively fragile situation when it came to stocks of anti-bacterial stuff which we should use to stem the diseased peons killing off the stronger of the pack with their wretched pox. Further supplies of these could be sources, should it be required.

Never one to back down from fleecing co-workers, I had a great idea. I should corner the market of these things. I mean buy out the country. That and Tamiflu.

Then, I give away face masks, because I am just such a nice person. However, these facemasks are pox magnets. The warm, moist air we breathe out makes the front part of the mask a wonderful home for bugs to set themselves up.

Then, when people really start to worry, I can sell them my face and hand cleaner, and all that other crap I bought up supplies of.

“I’d be happy to sell you a bottle of anti-bacterial handwash. $1000. Tamiflu? $20,000 a tablet”

Granted, it doesn’t have the level of evilness of trading Manhattan for a few beads and diseased blankets, but I am just one man.

Anyone who was convicted under the various “Hoon laws” being enacted in each state and lost their car and had to watch it being crushed would be bought a new car.

A fast car

Which I would cover all costs for

Which I would replace for free

It’d be a Bugatti Veyron.

Following my last post on being a jerk to the other people in my building, I have an update.

I was making my way back to the office when a chap jumped in the elevator. I saw his finger hover over the panel, looking for his floor. He picked the floor above the now mostly inaccessible floor.

I smiled.

Me: “G’day, how’s things going?
Guy: “Yes, they are well thank you

Bit of silence as the elevator jumped into life.

Guy: “Bit of a pain though”
Me: “Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Guy: “I am on the third floor, but I have to go to the fourth”

I look at the panel, knowing full well why this was the case.

Me: “I see, that certainly presents a bit of a problem”
Guy: “Everyone on that floor is pissed off about it”

*ding*

Me: “Well, have  a good day!”

The ride up to my floor continued and I laughed the whole way. Pissing off a whole floor of people is one of my proudest accomplishments.

I work in a relatively high profile area of Government. When things go wrong with a particular area of modern life, we get complaints. We also get complaints when things go normal.

I don’t much mind the complaints when things go wrong, it’s an area of misconception and half truths. It’s when things are normal and the serial complainers that jack me off.

So, I would work my job for several more years, compiling a list of serial complainers.

I would then buy every company that supplies this good.

And never let the serial complainers buy it ever again.

You know what the best way to get to work is?

Train? Nope

Bus? Nope

Car? Nope

Foot? Nope

Bike? Nope

2 dozen donkeys pulling a cart? Maybe, but no

Hovercraft launched off a steam catapault on an aircraft carrier? Done.

I would set up competing businesses, where no market actually exists.

My example is the blood bank. I am not permitted to donate blood. Apparently my geneticly defective heart has the chance to have genetically defective blood in it. Something they don’t want any part of. In the sake of saving lives, I can see a benefit in an uncontaminated blood supply. And I usually miss the point or argue the point on principle any way.

But anyway, I would storm out of the blood bank and tell them I am setting up my own bank.

• With interest for depositors
• Low fees
• Loaner blood
• Blood credit cards

It would be so utterly pointless, I reckon a few people would even come by looking for 5% return on their blood. And I would mock them.